This week’s post is a continuation of our series on deep listening.  

How do you help someone open themselves up to new ideas? It’s a question that feels more relevant now than ever. 

Fortunately there is a way. It’s called deep listening. Unfortunately, it's not a skill we’re generally trained in. 

I remember vividly one of my first experiences engaging in a structured debate. In a high school social studies course we spent several days debating the issue of assisted suicide: the class split into camps, chose speakers, and debated back and forth, each side trying to win over those who were on the fence. For the entire period we traded undecided classmates back and forth, spending each turn trying to rile emotions higher and higher. In the end the two core groups were more entrenched than ever and those on the fence remained largely undecided. What the experiment seemed to have produced was hot tempers and more than a few hurt feelings. 

The thing is — debate in that format is an intellectual exercise. Watching two pundits argue on television does nothing but show you which one is more clever. Although there was no rule that said we couldn’t, at no point in my high school debate did either side spend their allotted time polling the opinions of the other group, asking questions and ascertaining what thoughts and fears might be driving their opinion.  Instead, each projected what they assumed the other group was thinking, and attempted to argue to them that these imagined thoughts were wrong or insufficient. Unsurprisingly, this was not effective in reaching anyone on a deep level. 

Deep listening turns the rules of debate on their head. Rather than arguing to win, our intention is to listen to understand — an approach that can lead to real change. For starters, being really listened to releases the neurotransmitter Oxytocin — sometimes called the love hormone — which is known to accelerate the formation of relationships and kickstart cooperation. And that, it turns out, can open the door to progress, as a recent Massachusetts ballot campaign demonstrates.

In 2018, a ballot measure in Massachusetts threatened to revoke the protection of transgender rights. Activists campaigning against the measure employed what is called ‘deep canvassing’: similar to typical political canvassing, volunteers went door to door, but instead of the usual, “here’s why voting for us is what you should do” approach, they asked questions, and really listened to the answers in an attempt to find out why people might be vote in favor. In instances where they felt a voter might lack empathy for discrimination against trans people, they asked them to think about and share times when they felt ostracized or mistreated. They showed empathy, and shared their own experiences living as a trans person. They were successful, and the activist group credited the win in part to the deep canvassing approach.

This technique was developed by Dave Fleischer through his work with the Los Angeles LGBT Center, and has been employed in similar campaigns all over the country with positive results. “The key part of this is having people think back on their real, lived experiences in an honest way,” Fleischer says.   

Even in the face of deep seated prejudice, listening can lead a person to open up, which enables them to connect. The idea is not to win, but to identify common humanity. If you can do that, both sides have already won. 

— Will Beare

Tune in for part three of this series. Part one is available here. 

Photo by Miguel Carraça on Unsplash