Part three of our series on deep listening.
We all author our personal stories as we go through life, making ourselves the main character in a narrative that makes sense of everything we’ve seen or done. Being a good listener involves opening our own story and sharing the main character mantle — not easy when we’re in conflict with someone.
One reason it’s difficult is our overconfident assumption that we can know the intention behind the words or deeds of others. For us, the calculation is simple: If someone says or does something we find offensive, inconsiderate or hurtful, we simply assume that was their intention. In other words, we attribute intention based on how someone’s actions made us feel — a barometer that research shows is highly unreliable.
Put the shoe on the other foot and you can begin to see why. As the main character in our own story, everything we do is contextualized for our internalized audience, which makes us, by default, the “sympathetic” character. Our well-intentioned goals and motivations are established, and even if we do something less than charitable, it can be justified as only a minor trespass, quickly forgiven.
The classic example that comes to mind for me is driving in traffic. If someone cuts me off, the first and strongest reaction I tend to have is anger. Blame follows, whether I realize it or not. I decide that whoever cut me off is selfish and irresponsible. They’re unsafe. They wronged me, and they did it on purpose. But if I cut someone off — hey, it’s only me. I didn’t mean anything by it, and mistakes happen, right?
Knowing this about ourselves, the key then is to give the other person the same benefit of the doubt. Imagine them as a fellow main character in an unfolding story. Be curious about where they’re coming from. What information are you missing that’s present in their own “main character” storyline?
In the book, “Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most,” the authors recommend a three question analysis to disentangle the impact a person’s actions or words might have from the intent behind them:
What did the person actually say or do?
What was the impact of this on me?
What assumptions am I making about their intent?
When possible, check out your assumptions and give the other person a chance to clarify. And if that's not possible, try this: If you could easily forgive yourself for a similar word or deed, go ahead and forgive the other person as well.
It’ll make for a good ending.
Photo by Jeremy Bishop/Unsplash.com.