November 2017: My first Difficult Conversations workshop, in Redding, California.
I’ll never forget my first “official” Difficult Conversations workshop – the first real test of whether I’d created something of value. It was in November 2017. Eighty city leaders from the mostly-conservative town of Redding, California attended. In hindsight, probably not the most strategic gathering for my workshop’s maiden voyage, but it went well. I even remember getting a standing ovation at the end — although to be honest, there’s a chance most people were simply clapping as they stood up to leave. Still, it was a success, and it gave me the confidence I needed to continue developing the workshop and seek out new opportunities to lead it.
Now, five years later, I’ve led the workshop more than 100 times for diverse groups around the U.S. and even internationally. And if I’ve learned anything, it’s this: If you offer people helpful, well-researched and even challenging information in a respectful, safe and kind environment, they will listen, engage, and give the material their full consideration. And far more often than not, they'll be changed by the experience.
Over the years, the workshop has also changed – adjustments and additions that have helped clarify the major concepts. Often the impetus for these changes came from the insights and feedback from the participants themselves. Other times they came from my own ah-ha moments, when I connected with the material in a new and deeper way. And still other times they came from immersing myself in the work of others, and finding ways to integrate their insights and discoveries.
One recent example of the latter is a framework called The Three Dimensions of Difficult Conversations, from the book Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most. It’s a powerful framing that, as one person put it, “makes it easy to understand why some difficult conversations move relationships forward and others have the opposite impact.” The short video above provides an overview of this framework that you might find helpful.
It’s all been a rich and rewarding experience, but that said, it now seems I’ve hit a lull. For the first time I have no future workshops on the calendar. I don’t mind. I could use a break, and I have a feeling I’m not alone. Perhaps there’s a collective sense that we all need to take a breath, to get out of crisis mode, to let the 2022 midterms take the temperature of the American public, and then see what needs emerge.
At least, that’s where I am right now. I’m going to take some time to travel, read, and try a few new things. I’ll do the workshop when asked, but otherwise I’ll be reflecting on what’s next and where my time is best spent.
As part of that I’ll keep going with my podcast. My next guest is Maria Stephan, co-leader of The Horizons Project and former Director of the program on nonviolent action at the United States Institute of Peace. She’s also the author, together with Erica Chenoweth, of the seminal 2010 book Why Civil Resistance Works: The Strategic Logic of Nonviolent Conflict. It should be a fascinating and timely conversation. I’ll be interviewing Maria in October.