Prioritizing the Relationship Over Being Right:
Strategies for Reconnecting with Others

An excerpt from the book, “Difficult Conversations: The Art and Science of Working Together”.

Reconnecting a stressed relationship — and consequently reconnecting a stressed brain — isn’t easy. It takes commitment. Which in turn means being convinced, like Megan’s friend David, that our survival-drive reaction is actually counter to our true survival interests. If we’re clear on that, the following strategies can be helpful.

Here are a few simple (in concept) suggestions I came across while researching material for my workshop,

Calm Down. The first step when we find we’re getting upset and we’re in danger of “flipping our lid” is to make a conscious effort to calm down. One sequence of actions for doing so is called “PBS.” It stands for:

• Pause. Pause the conversation. Put it on hold. If necessary, remove yourself from the situation; take a walk and spend some time alone.

• Breathe. Take a deep breath. You want to get oxygen back into your brain so you can start thinking again. A useful technique, scientifically documented, is to breathe in for a count of four, and out for a count of six. (Note: apparently, it’s most effective if you breathe in and out through your nose.)

• Smile. Research shows smiling has huge personal and interpersonal benefits:

  • It activates the release of neuropeptides that help fight off stress (neuropeptides are tiny molecules that allow neurons to communicate).

  • It releases your feel-good neurotransmitters: dopamine, endorphins and serotonin. These relax your body, lower your heart rate and blood pressure, and lift your mood.

  • It has a positive impact on the people around you. Seeing a smiling face activates our orbitofrontal cortex, the brain region that processes sensory rewards. When you view a person smiling, you actually feel rewarded!

Re-engage. Once we’ve calmed down, the next step is to re-engage in a way that gets the conversation back on track. Here are strategies the experts swear by. I call these the “Three A’s”:

• Appreciate. Find something about the other person to appreciate. This evokes positive emotions in both of you.

• Agree. Find something in the other’s perspective you can agree with. Being agreed with stimulates the reward centers of our brain, releasing oxytocin — known as the “love hormone.”

• Articulate. Take time to articulate the other’s perspective. This is particularly effective at building trust and good will. (My friend, a professional mediator, calls this a magical tool.)

There’s one more “A” word I want to add to the list:

• Apologize. If you’ve done something worth apologizing for, apologize. It works wonders. Admitting our mistakes makes us more humble and more relatable. It also makes the other person feel better respected and therefore more kindly toward us.