Difficult Conversations Workshop:
overview & Learning Outcomes
Workshop Overview
Difficult Conversations: The art and science of working together is an interactive workshop that provides a foundation for engaging in meaningful dialogue with anyone—regardless of economic, social or ideological differences.
Specifically, the workshop focuses on three, researched-based strategies proven to counter the instinctual fight, flee or freeze survival drive that difficult conversations often trigger:
Fight. We argue our point aggressively in an effort to “win” the argument.
Flee. We avoid or give up on the conversation and retreat to the security and comfort of our “tribe.”
Freeze. Dumbstruck by some unexpected turn in the conversation, we fail to muster any kind response at all.
The premise of this workshop is that these survival instincts — “only modestly more sophisticated than an alligator’s” — evolved early in our evolution when the most important survival skill was to avoid getting eaten. They’re completely inappropriate, however, for responding to the challenges of today, when the most important survival skill is cooperation. For these challenges, we need a new set of survival strategies.
The three strategies you’ll explore in this workshop are one possibility. Supported by science, each has been shown to help us gain greater access to our innate capacities for creativity, resilience, empathy and cooperation. All of which are essential to our personal and collective wellbeing.
In brief, the three strategies are:
1. Prioritize the relationship over being right. Research shows that our survival drive is often triggered when someone challenges our deeply held beliefs. Research also shows that when that happens, we lose a host of cognitive capacities that are at the heart of being human, including empathy, moral reasoning and even intuition. Bereft of these capacities, the conversation — and sometimes the relationship itself — typically comes to an unsatisfying and even ugly end.
It doesn’t have to be this way. Evidence abounds that differences in values, attitudes and beliefs become far less significant when a deeper basis of relationship is formed — especially when it’s rooted in our common humanity. Workshop participants will learn strategies for building such relationships, in turn allowing them to maintain — and even strengthen — the critical capacities needed for creative engagement.
2. See beyond your story. Most of us have the (often unconscious) assumption that our ‘story’ — the particular set of life experiences from which we derive our sense of self — is the totality of who we are. This merging of ‘self’ and ‘story’ explains one of the most surprising findings of neurobiology: Threats to our ‘story self’ — to our values, attitudes and beliefs — activate the same parts of our brain as threats to our physical self, triggering our fight, flee or freeze reactions. When this happens, simmering disagreements can quickly become combustible.
At the same time, we’re learning that our identity encompasses far more than our story. Studies show that a more expanded sense of self emerges when we “switch off” our ‘story self,’ unleashing a host of positive emotions and attributes, including joy, compassion, gratitude, flexibility, creativity and receptivity to new ideas — all of which counteract our survival drive instinct. Workshop participants will learn more about this “expanded self” and how to access its capacities.
3. Transform resistance into response. Resistance is our early-warning system that our survival drive is beginning to kick into gear. When we’re in resistance, our attention narrows, our heart rate increases, and our stress levels rise — all signals of an emerging fight, flee, or freeze reaction. Workshop participants will learn about the psychology of resistance, why transforming our resistance into response strengthens our cognitive capacities, and how the brain has evolved to actually help us undergo this transformation process.
Learning Outcomes
Workshop Introduction: The Science of Difficult Conversations.
Understand the neurological dynamics that make difficult conversations difficult, specifically how threats to our deeply held beliefs trigger our instinctual fight, flee, freeze survival drive, and how they rob us of the cognitive capabilities we need to engage in difficult conversations creatively and empathically.
New Survival Strategy #1: Prioritize the relationship over being right.
See why keeping the channel of communication open during a difficult conversation is imperative for healing not only the relationship but also ourselves.
Learn about and apply the transformative power of personal storytelling as a method for healing conflicts, building relationships and facilitating collaboration.
Apply the tools and strategies introduced in this section to a current “difficult conversation” in your life.
New Survival Strategy #2: See beyond your story.
Understand how our experiences in life shape and often distort our perceptions.
Learn about the “neurological correlates” of our ‘story self’ and how it constricts our “window of tolerance” and the role it plays in triggering our survival drive in a difficult conversation.
Understand the neurological basis for, and then apply, several strategies that help us expand our window of tolerance including cultivating awe, wonder and gratitude.
Apply the tools and strategies introduced in this section to a current “difficult conversation” in your life.
New Survival Strategy #3: Transform resistance into response.
Understand the value of “resistance” as an “early warning system” that our survival drive is about to kick into gear.
Understand the concept of neuroplasticity and its relevance to moving beyond resistance to response.
Apply the tools and strategies introduced in this section to a current “difficult conversation” in your life.