This month I celebrate two anniversaries: 40 years of marriage and 5 years leading workshops on the art and science of difficult conversations. Here’s what the former taught about the latter.
My wife, Amy, and I in
San Francisco.
Cultivate humility.
I'm probably not alone in sometimes being a little overconfident in my opinions and beliefs. It's an attitude that can quickly shutdown or inflame a difficult conversation. That's why it's important to be honest with ourselves about who we are — our talents and, especially, our limitations. We’re all the product of our experiences, which literally shape how we see and interact with the world. And since no two people’s experiences are exactly the same, that means there are 7-plus billion people in the world all seeing things a bit differently.
In my marriage, when difficult conversations arise, humility helps us remember that the filter of our past experiences may be causing us to misperceive the other’s words and intentions. This helps us dial back any antagonism or defensiveness, making us more willing to solicit and listen to each other’s perspective.
The importance of humility is why a good portion of my workshop is spent helping people see themselves more clearly, to get in touch with and accept the subjective nature of their perceptions, and the wonderful human foibles we all share. In my experience, this is a workshop game-changer. People become more open and more ready to listen.
Be willing to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability is one of those emotions that can trigger our fight/flight survival drive. To our reptilian brain, the word conjures the image of a soft underbelly exposed to the sharp teeth of a predator. But in the context of difficult conversations vulnerability means exposing a very different part of ourselves: a particular fear perhaps, or an experience we don’t like to recall, or something we did or thought that we’re ashamed to admit. When appropriate and relevant to the conversation, revealing such vulnerabilities builds trust, deepens connection, and often puts the conversation in a more understandable and relatable light.
In my marriage, so many of our earlier difficult conversations were connected to my insecurities as a husband and breadwinner — insecurities I didn’t want to admit because it would make me look weak or deficient in some way. But admitting them had the opposite effect. Rather than annihilating my sense of self worth, as I had feared, showing vulnerability strengthened it as I discovered the freedom that comes with a new level of self-acceptance. And rather than putting my marriage on less stable ground, vulnerability reinforced its foundation with greater trust and compassion.
In my workshop, experiencing the power of vulnerability happens during an exercise where people reflect on and draw the high and low points of their life story. Afterward they break into pairs — often with a stranger — and share the story they drew. While the prospect of sharing their story can at first make people anxious, most work through their fear and reveal aspects of their life’s journey they often don’t talk about. The deep connection that results is profound. Typical comments include:
“At first, I was afraid to tell much of my story. But my partner was so vulnerable in telling his that I decided to do the same. I’m so glad I did. It was a privilege to have this shared experience.”
“I feel closer to this person, who I just met, than I do to some people I’ve known all my life.”
"I’ve worked with this person for 10 years, and I never knew any of this about her.”
“We come from such different backgrounds, yet we’ve had so many similar experiences and challenges. It’s helped me see that I’m not alone."
So how do we take what we know about humility and vulnerability and apply it to a real life difficult conversation? Here’s a thought:
Humility and vulnerability clearly go together. It takes humility to be vulnerable. So the next time you’re working through a difficult conversation, have the humility to ask yourself if there’s a part of you that’s under some protective shield, something that if said would help reveal the deeper issues impacting the conversation. See if you can identify it. And if the relationship is basically a healthy one, or if your intuition tells you can trust this person with your vulnerability, bring what you discovered into the conversation. You may find it totally changes the conversation dynamic — in a very good way.
If there's a topic relating to the art and science of difficult conversations you'd like me to address in my blog and newsletter, please let me know by emailing me at kern@difficultconversationsproject.org.