In my book and workshop, I talk a lot about how difficult conversations require good relationships. Today I want to share an experience that highlights just how quickly good relationships can be built and the positive impact that can have — at work, in our daily lives, everywhere.
I was at my health clinic having minor surgery. It was a simple operation, and the doctor chatted with me throughout the procedure. What was odd, though, was that he left his assistant mostly out of the conversation. After a while it became uncomfortably obvious that we were both treating her as if she wasn’t even there.
After the procedure was over, the doctor left as his assistant bandaged me up. Feeling badly that I hadn't talked to her earlier, I asked how long she’d worked with this doctor. “Three years,” she said. “And he’s just now beginning to warm up to me.”
“Really?” I said, surprised not only because I’d always found this doctor friendly, but also because she’d revealed something personal so quickly. “Yes,” she said. “For the first couple years he never said a word. This time was the most he’s ever spoken to me.”
Seeing she was open to — perhaps even wanting — a conversation, I asked her a couple more questions. In a few short minutes I'd learned that she came to the U.S. from the Philippines when she was seven, that she spoke almost no English when she arrived, that she was badly teased by other kids for her limited ability to communicate, that while her English had eventually improved it came at the expense of her native tongue, Tagalog, and that when she and her family went back to the Philippines for short visits she'd get teased for her poor language skills again. Getting teased for the same thing in both countries, she said, “made me feel like I didn’t belong anywhere.”
The story just poured out of her, no doubt one among many she could have told about adjusting to life as an immigrant. But it gave me a glimpse into her challenges, and I wanted her to know how much I admired her for all she’d accomplished. So I told her, and it was clear she genuinely appreciated the acknowledgment.
The whole conversation took maybe five minutes, but there was a sweet sense of connection at the end. As I walked out of the office I thanked her for telling me her story. “Thank you,” she replied, “for listening to my story.”
I felt pretty certain not many people had.
I relate this experience not only to illustrate how quickly we can connect with another person, but also to highlight how many times we pass up the opportunity to do so, as the doctor had done for nearly three years. New people enter our lives — maybe a new work colleague or neighbor — and we often don’t take the time to make a connection, to establish a level of trust and goodwill. If we did, many of the difficult conversations that inevitably arise in such relationships would become a lot less difficult.
Work doesn't need to be an exception.
Sometimes people will point out it's not always appropriate to focus on the relationship, like in a work environment where personal issues are considered off bounds. All I can say is that my own experience convinces me otherwise. I once ran the communications department for a large technology company. I could tell when someone on my staff came to work not fully present, and it often had to do with an issue in their personal life. Sometimes I’d invite them into my office, ask how they were, and let them decide how much to tell me. Whether they said a little or said a lot, they appreciated the check-in. It built trust, which made difficult conversations easier when they came up. It also helped them set aside whatever was bothering them so they could focus on the work at hand.
To be clear, I wasn’t providing answers or therapy, I just listened and, if appropriate, shared my own story if it pertained to what they were dealing with. Often just knowing you’re not the only one with a problem lowers stress and helps you think more clearly.
Sometimes our closest relationships need the most attention.
Another objection I hear is that with people we're already close to, like family members, focusing on the relationship isn’t necessary when having a difficult conversation. Again, I have a different view. If over the course of a relationship too much has gone unsaid, unaddressed, and unappreciated, the threads of the relationship can be surprisingly frayed. A conflict erupts, that one final straw gets added to a pile of unspoken grievances, and the relationship collapses into animosity, hurt, retaliation, even estrangement. If we’re not attentive to those we're closest to, there can be years of past hurts to untangle before a productive difficult conversation is possible.
So here’s a suggestion.
Think about a relationship in your life that could use some attention. Who could you get to know a little better, or appreciate a little more? Once you have your answer, go ahead and take action. Then, when a conflict comes up and a difficult conversation needs to be had, your relationship will have that much stronger of a foundation to help smooth the process.
Remember, it doesn’t have to take much. In a doctor’s office, as we all know, there’s not a lot of time to chat. Just 5 minutes as she was bandaging my wound was all that was needed to make a connection, not to mention a small difference in someone’s life.
If there's a topic relating to the art and science of difficult conversations you'd like me to address in my blog and newsletter, please let me know by emailing me at kern@difficultconversationsproject.org.
Photo by Oscar Keys on Unsplash.